If Anybody Is Listening Here Goes
by NerdAngel
Summary: A one shot of what Sam may have said in the confessional in 8x23. SPOILER ALERT for season 8 and major events are brought up that are in seasons 7,6,5,4, and 3.


**A/n: So I FINALLY got my computer back up and running and I found my first fan fiction that I ever wrote. This is a one shot that takes place season 8 episode 23 "Sacrifice." It's just a quick little piece on what Sam may have said when he was in the confessional.**

 **SPOILER ALERT: Season 7 finale and as well as parts of season 8, including part of the finale. Mentions some major events from seasons 3, 4, 5, and 6.**

 **Thank you to everyone who reads, favorites, and or reviews this piece.**

 **I would like to thank LilyBolt for EVERYTHING you have done for me, you're amazing!**

If Anybody Is Listening...Here Goes

Sam exhaled. "Okay, um, ahem. If anybody is listening...here goes." He took a deep breath, his eyes scanning the confession box. It had been a small box, not that they were known for being large. It was roughly the size of a port-a-potty or maybe a cubicle. It was dark with the exception of the little bit of light that came through the hole in the window on the door. He cleared his throat and kept his voice low, Crowely was sitting in a devil's trap chained up to a chair a few feet away from him and he definitely didn't want the King of Hell listening in on anything he was about to say.

"I have done some…" he paused picking his wording carefully given his location. "Some messed up crap in my lifetime. I allowed myself to get addicted to…" Sam stopped and shifted in his seat uncomfortably. "Demon blood," he finally choked. "Lucifer and the apocalypse happened because of me, and God only knows what I did when I got back from Hell without a soul." Sam paused again, his eyes staring into the dark ahead of him.

"But as bad as all of those choices and mistakes that I made are, I was able to move on pass them and to forgive myself." It was true. He wasn't by any stretch of the imagination proud of what he'd done, but he wasn't necessarily bothered by it any more either. Sam thought at first that maybe something was wrong with him. How is it that triggering the end of the world wasn't keeping him up all nght? Lots of innocent people would have lost their lives if he and his brother weren't able to stop Lucifer. He didn't even want to know or think about how many lives had been lost by his own hands or decisions when he was souless. Sam moved his hazel eyes from the spot he had been staring at as though he had just received an electric shock to the body.

"But I know now what it is, what my greatest sin is," Sam paused and licked his dry cracked lips and looked down at his hands which he realized he was holding together, twirling his thumbs. He sighed and swallowed hard. He couldn't bring his mouth to work. He opened it and closed it a few times, no words came out, just squeaks. Sam closed his eyes and took a deep breath trying to pull himself together. They were so close to being able to finish these trials and rid the world of the things he and his brother had been hunting all their lives. He was on a bit of a time schedule and here he was unable to finish his confession. His blood needed to be purified, he needed to hurry things along and get his confessions out so that he could return to Dean of whom he was sure by now was wondering what was taking him so long.

 _Dean._

"Alright," Sam almost whispered, trying to pep talk himself. _My biggest sin_.

"In more than one way and on more than one account, I have…" he stopped himself again, fitting back tears that were now welling up in his eyes. "I have let down the one person who has always been there for me, who has always had my back no matter what. Since as long as I can remember, Dean has been there to help me, support me, stand up for me, stand by me, save me, protect me, even die for me. Literally. And all I have ever done in return, is fail him. I couldn't save him from Hell, I ignored him about Ruby or the demon blood, I used him, and allowed him to be turned into a vampire," Sam fell silent again. Tears rolled down his cheeks and he wiped them away with the sleeve of his jacket. "Then I lost him, for the umpteenth time. He's gone for a year and I never, not even once…" he allowed more tears to flood his vision, blurring it. Saying it out loud seemed to make it so much worse than when he just thought about it. He sniffed and tried to compose himself again.

"I sat around with Amelia living a normal life, while Dean was running and fighting for his in Purgatory." The guilt weld up in his chest making it hard for him to breath. The thought of his brother being alone in monsterland all that time made him feel sick. But he hadn't been alone. As much as Sam had wanted to hate Benny, he couldn't. In the end, what all boiled down to was that a vampire had been there for his brother, not him. "I know he says he does, but deep down I know he doesn't trust me. And, I mean, I can't blame him. The fact that my brother turns to Cas or…Benny instead of me, proves to me that I'm right." Dean never liked the supernatural, so when Sam found out he was friends with a vampire, it really sank in. His big brother didn't trust him to care if he was in danger or anything else that was important, like the trials. Dean didn't trust him with anything anymore, and it was all Sam's fault. Had he listened to Dean about Ruby and the demon blood, had he looked for his soul when he returned to earth knowing that something was wrong with him, had he looked for his big brother when he disappeared after the big showdown with Dick Roman…but he didn't and as much as he wanted to, he can't take any of it back.

Sam threw his head up pushing back the tears that were starting to fall again. Clearing his throat and wiping his eyes, he finished. "So, there you have it, my greatest sin." His hazel eyes looked up at the ceiling glistening as though he expected to see someone looking down at him. All he saw was darkness.


End file.
